"Limericks to be told when ladies are present; limericks to be told when ladies are absent but clergymen are present–and LIMERICKS." There once was an X from place B, Who satisfied predicate P. The X did thing A In a specified way, Resulting in circumstance C. There once was a lady of Natchez, Whose garments were tatters and patches. When comment arose On the state of her clothes, She drawled, "Where Ah itchez, Ah scratchez!" Said Queen Isabella of Spain, "I like it—just now and again. But I wish to explain That by 'now and again' I mean now, and again, and again." Said the lecherous Duke of Buccleuch, "I've been struck from the rolls of Who's Who All because I was found Lying nude on the ground With my auntie, and very nice, too!" There once was a monk from Siberia Whose morals were somewhat inferia. He did to a nun What he shouldn't have done, And now she's a Mother Superia. There once was a fellow from Trent Whose dick was all twisted and bent. To save himself trouble, He stuck it in double, So instead of coming, he went. A bather whose clothing was strewed By winds that left her quite nude Saw a man come along And unless we are wrong You expected this line to be lewd. A jolly young man from Belize Decided to live in the trees. He dined upon fruits, And green leafy shoots, And his arse was exposed to the breeze. A mathematician confided That the Moebius strip is one-sided. And you'll get quite a laugh If you cut it in half, For it stays in one piece when divided. This mathematician, named Klein, Thought the Moebius strip was divine. He said, "If you glue The edges of two, You'll get a weird bottle like mine." There once was a man who said, "Do, Tell me how I'm to add two and two? I'm not really sure That it doesn't make four— But I feel that is almost too few." A dozen, a gross and a score Plus three times the square root of four Divided by seven Plus five times eleven, Gives nine squared, and not a bit more. A mathematician named Gray Says extraction of cubes is child's play. You don't need equations Or long calculations— Just hot water to run on the tray. There once was a Fellow of Trinity Who solved the square root of infinity. While counting the digits, He was seized by the fidgets, Quit maths, and then took up divinity. A favorite project of mine Is the value of pi to assign. I would fix it at three, For it's simpler, you see, Than 3.14159. A mathematician named Hall Has a dodecahedral left ball. And the cube of its weight Times his pecker, plus eight, Is three-fifths of the square of fuck-all. A tavern both dark and mephitic Served libations of booze paralytic Those who drank there Were later to swear T'was the drinks made them hermaphroditic The insatiable Queen of Baroda Lived in a Chinese pagoda, And the walls of the halls Were bestrewn with the balls And the tools of the fools who bestrode her. The modern cinematic emporium, Is not just a super sensorium, But a highly effectual, Heterosexual, Mutual masturbatorium. A mosquito cried out in great pain, "A chemist has poisoned my brain!" And the cause of his sorrow Was para-dichloro- Diphenyl-trichloroethane. A diner in Kalamazoo Found quite a large rat in his stew. Said the waiter: "Don't shout Or wave it about; Or the rest will be wanting one, too." There was once a man in a boat Who asked: "What if sheep had the vote?" Then we'd know, in advance, Donald Trump has no chance, Because sheep would not vote for a goat. A Catholic boy, praying at mass, Had a candlestick made out of brass. And the boy knew the arts Of controlling his farts. Said the priest: "Now we're cooking with gas!" A woman who hailed from Tull Said "Nobody can milk a bull." Said I: "Yes I can, Nelly; Just lie under his belly, Then give him a boner, and pull." The philosopher Anaximander Was famous for his witty banter. But he got in a scrape, Saying "Trump is an ape." Then the monkeys all sued him for slander. A Quora admin in a bar, Got real drunk, then totalled his car. But my poem about it, Was then deemed to have flouted The rule called BNBR. A skipper who hailed from Diemen Complained that his ship had no seamen. So I played with my cock, Got it hard as a rock, And then gave him plenty of semen. The fat man was growing much fatter. The little boy mixing the batter. If this poem makes sense, Then that's coincidence. But it rhymes; what the hell does that matter? There once was a poet from Limerick, Who said dirty poems made him sick. So I said, "Nicholas' hair Is too long for the fair." So with clippers, I started to trim Nick.¹ If Quora complains that this answer Is as random as "The Purple Dancer,"² I'll tell them: "So what? Shove it all up your butt! And I hope your bots all die of cancer." There once was an angel from Heaven, Who visited the Earth half-past seven. But this poem must rhyme, Otherwise it's a crime; So she left Earth at five til eleven. When astronomers showed Earth was lowly, not Heaven's sweet center most holy, Philosophers grumbled at theories crumbled. As one said, "I wish someone had Ptolemy." As the poets have mournfully sung, death takes the innocent young, the rolling in money, the screamingly funny, and those who are very well hung. There was a young lady from Nachez whose clothing was always in patches. When she was asked why, she replied, with a sigh, "Because, when Ah itches, Ah scratches." There was a young vicar from Salisbury whose manners were quite halisbury-scalisbury. He went around Hampshire without any pampshire 'til his bishop compelled him to walisbury. There was a young fellow named Hall who died in the spring in the fall. 'Twould have been a bad thing had he died in the spring but he didn't — he died in the fall. The youths who frequent picture palaces have no need for psychoanalysis. And though Dr. Freud is distinctly annoyed they cling to their long-standing fallacies. There was an enchanting young bride Who ate many green apples and died. The apples fermented inside the lamented and made cider inside her inside. There was a young girl from Rabat Who had triplets: Nan, Pat, and Tat. It was fun in the breeding, but hell in the feeding, as she found she had no tit for Tat. A swimmer whose clothing got strewed by breezes that left her quite nude saw a man come along, and unless we are wrong, you expected this line to be lewd. There once was a girl named Irene who lived on distilled kerosene. But she started absorbin' a new hydrocarbon and since then has never benzene. A crafty young bard named McMahon, whose poetry never would scan, once said, with a pause, "It's probably because I'm always trying to cram as many extra syllables into the last line as I possibly can." Miss Farad was pretty and sensual and charged to a reckless potential. But a rascal named Ohm conducted her home. Her decline was, alas, exponential. "Ten times now, dear Daphnis," said Chloë, "you have told me my bosom is snowy. You have made a fine verse on Each part of my person. Now DO something — there's a good boy." There was a young lady from Yap who had acne all over her map. But in her interstices Lurked a far worse disease Commonly known as the clap. There was a young plumber named Lee who lay plumbing his girl by the sea. She said, "Oh! Stop plumbing! There's somebody coming!" Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me." There was a young vampire named Mable whose periods always were stable. So every full moon she took out a spoon and drank herself under the table. A rabbi from far-off Peru was desperately trying to screw. His wife said, "Oy vey! If you keep on this way the Messiah will come before you." There once was a mathematician Who preferred an exotic position. 'Twas the joy of his life to achieve with his wife topologically complex coition. There was a young fellow named Clyde who fell in an outhouse and died. Along came his brother and fell in another and now they're interred side by side. Archimedes, that well-known truth-seeker, jumped out of his bath with "Eureka!" He ran half a mile wearing only a smile and became the very first streaker. A Christian Scientist from Theale said "I know that my pain is not real. When I sit on a pin and it punctures my skin I dislike what I fancy I feel." While Titian was mixing rose madder His model ascended a ladder. Her position to Titian Suggested coition So he climbed up the ladder and had her. There once was a nympho named Jill who tried dynamite for a thrill. They found her vagina in North Carolina and bits of her tits in Brazil. There once was a duchess from Bruges whose c—t was amazingly huge. Said the king to this dame as he thunderously came, "Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!" There once was a man from Racine who invented a f—ing machine. Concave or convex, it could serve either sex, but oh, what a bother to clean! A double limerick: Said Einstein, "I have an equation that some may think Rabelaisian. Let V be virginity approaching infinity and P equal constant persuasion. Now, let V over P be inverted and the root of persuasion inserted It is easy to see the result, Q.E.D. is a relative," Einstein asserted. A triple limerick (pretty vulgar): There were two young ladies from Birmingham. Shall I tell you the story concerning 'em? They lifted the frock and diddled the cock of the bishop as he was confirming 'em. Now the bishop was nobody's fool. He had been to a large public school. So he dropped down his britches and diddled those bitches with his six-inch episcopal tool. Said one girl as the bishop withdrew, "Not bad for a bishop, 'tis true. But the prick of the vicar is thicker and quicker and three inches longer than you!" There was a young man from Nantucket whose was so long he could it. He said with a grin as he wiped off his chin, "If my ear were a , I could it." I once put some chickens on buckets To rhyme in a verse on Nantucket The chickens were jokers Who'd make fine stockbrokers But they needed to be more like puppets. There once was a mighty big snake Stretched out on the concrete to bake. A cake for a gator? He shrieked, "See ya later! That's one meal I don't want to make!" A deadline in April: taxation. No time for fun or relaxation. I write limericks, I slumber, put off crunching numbers— an expert at procrastination. There was an iguana named Bert So fleek in a green muscle shirt. With a whip of his tail This magnificent male Excited a 'guana named Gert. More frequent the higher they rise, their scandals and rhetorical cries— politicians' statistics, misinformed, solipsistic, corrupt practices, lies and damn lies. There once was a cousin from Lima who drew up a getaway schema. With her bag packed, through the hedgerow she hacked to sneak off and live with her Memaw. The crane gave a hoot and just fled; Bao Bao to China was sped. While the red fox escaped, our gorillas just gaped, and Redd in his bed played dead. Sister Mary the New York nun Came to visit one time just for fun Mom discovered too late She'd made a mistake And sauced my great aunt with some rum. Two sisters went by middle names, both their first names being the same. The one was Maria, the other … Maria. The dad claimed the mom was to blame. My Great Grandma Pearl from Saluda Rarely ever did what she shoulda After husband number three Died mysteriously She bought a '74 Hemi 'Cuda There was an iguana named Izzy Who peeked through the window to see me. He was looking forlorn So I offered popcorn But that threw him into a tizzy. Heather, you've been quite a pain Writing letters again and again. You think it is cool To break every rule. No. You can't have that castle in Spain. There was a Young Lady whose chin Resembled the point of a pin: So she had it made sharp, And purchased a harp, And played several tunes with her chin.